Islam
A Journey Through Darkness
From Desolation to Discovery
In the wake of my marriage, I found myself trapped in a relentless cycle of fear and anxiety. The initial euphoria of newlywed life quickly dissolved into a reality marked by a profound sense of unhappiness and unfulfillment. My beliefs, a blend of wandering agnostic and Christian thoughts, offered little solace as I continued my search for meaning.
As months passed, my mental state teetered on the edge of a precipice. Health issues compounded the situation, adding physical ailments to my psychological distress. The once stable grounds of my marriage began to fissure under the weight of my internal turmoil. Panic attacks became a frequent, debilitating occurrence, triggered by any deep introspection or existential thought. Reality felt distant, almost like a concept I could no longer grasp.
The culmination of this downward spiral was a period of intense isolation. Fear and anxiety transformed my home into a prison of sorts, a place where I felt both safe and utterly trapped. This confinement eventually led to hospitalization for severe anxiety and panic attacks. Around this time, I underwent esophageal/stomach surgery, an experience that left me contemplating the fragility of life while feeling disconnected, like a zombie, numbed by Xanax.
My emotional and mental state was in disarray. The side effects of Xanax were unbearable, sparking a resolve within me to reclaim my life. I knew there had to be another path, a way to confront my fears without being reliant on medication. My decision to enroll with an online Anxiety Centre marked the beginning of this new chapter.
Challenging my fears head-on was arduous, but it began to yield results. In a bold move, I stopped taking Xanax cold turkey, a decision that led to a severe physical reaction – a rash covering my entire body. Despite the discomfort and the challenges of withdrawal, I felt a sense of agency for the first time in a long while.
I sought help from a dermatologist, suspecting the rash was a physical manifestation of my abrupt cessation of Xanax. Despite this setback, I was resolute in taking back control of my life. I began to socialize, stepping outside the confines of my home, building friendships, and breaking the chains of isolation.
However, amidst these personal battles and victories, my marriage could not withstand the strain. My wife and I, after much contemplation, decided to part ways. This decision, though very, very painful, was a necessary step in our individual journeys of self-discovery and healing.
This period of my life, marked by intense emotional suffering and profound self-reflection, was a crucible of transformation. It taught me the resilience of the human spirit, the importance of facing one's fears, and the value of seeking help when the burdens become too heavy to bear alone. It was a journey from the abyss to a place of newfound strength and understanding, a testament to the enduring power of hope and the relentless pursuit of a life lived on one's own terms.
The final chapter of my first marriage closed not with bitterness, but with a mutual understanding that transformed my relationship with my then-wife into a supportive friendship. This unexpected twist in our journey provided a foundation for us to move forward separately yet amicably. For this, I was deeply grateful.
With the support of a colleague, I found myself transitioning to a new phase of life in an apartment in the heart of Vienna. The first night in this new space marked the beginning of my life as a divorcee and a bachelor. The apartment, sparse with just a blow-up mattress and the essentials, echoed the emptiness I felt inside. As I gazed out of the window, the city lights of Vienna twinkled like distant stars, a stark contrast to the darkness that seemed to envelop me.
That night, the overwhelming sense of fear and uncertainty about my future coalesced into a moment of intense vulnerability. In the quiet solitude of that empty room, I found myself reaching out in a heartfelt supplication to God, the Almighty. It was a plea for guidance, strength, and perhaps a sign that I was not alone in this new chapter of my life.
In the aftermath of my divorce and the subsequent journey of self-exploration in Vienna, my search for love and friendship gradually evolved into a profound quest for self-understanding. While I was not yet fully steady on my own two feet, I found myself in a much healthier space, open to new experiences and perspectives.
It was during this time of exploration and growth that I met my future wife at work. She worked in a different department and hailed from Turkey, a background that piqued my curiosity and beckoned me towards new cultural horizons. Our interactions, though initially brief, opened a door to a world I had never considered – the world of Islam.
Driven by a desire to understand her faith and culture better, I turned to my computer, delving into the vast resources available online. I stumbled upon several websites and a particular YouTube video that would unexpectedly shake the very foundations of my beliefs. This was not a mere academic exercise; it was a journey that would profoundly alter my worldview.
The video that captivated my attention featured a Christian woman recounting her encounter with a boy who challenged her faith. Her journey, her questions, and her conclusions about Jesus resonated deeply with me. As I absorbed her words and experiences, a sense of euphoria washed over me. Tears streamed down my face, not from sadness, but from an overwhelming sense of truth touching my heart and soul.
At that moment, I realized that the search I had embarked on at the age of 14 had come full circle. The struggles, the existential crises, the pain, and the growth I had experienced suddenly made complete sense. I had found a spiritual home that resonated with the deepest parts of my being. It was a discovery that felt as though it had altered my very DNA.
This newfound spiritual path was not just about an interest in someone else's faith; it was a profound personal awakening. I felt a connection to something much larger than myself, a sense of belonging and understanding that had eluded me for so long. The sense of clarity and purpose that emanated from this discovery was indescribable. It was as if all the scattered pieces of my life's puzzle had finally found their rightful place.
From that moment on, I knew that this spiritual path was something I could never let go of. It was not just a fleeting moment of revelation; it was a profound transformation that would guide the rest of my journey. The emotional and spiritual impact of this awakening was a testament to the power of faith and the endless possibilities of the human spirit in its quest for truth and meaning.
Embracing Islam marked the beginning of a new chapter in my spiritual journey, one that was not without its trials and tribulations. The initial phase of my conversion was filled with an eagerness to learn and immerse myself in the teachings of Islam. However, this path was not as straightforward as I had anticipated.
My early experiences in the Muslim community led me to various groups and interpretations of Islam. I found myself amidst Sufi followers, whose practices and beliefs initially intrigued me. However, as I delved deeper, I began to question some of their methods. This period was marked by confusion and a search for authenticity in my understanding of the faith.
The turning point came when I found myself in a mosque that encouraged practices that did not resonate with my understanding of Islam. The act of praying to deceased pious individuals conflicted with my growing belief in the pure oneness of God. This experience prompted me to leave that Mosque and continue my search for a more aligned spiritual home.
My quest led me to one of the main Islamic Centres in Vienna, where I encountered a brother from Kosovo. He introduced me to the teachings of a Sunni scholar, which opened my eyes to a different perspective of Islam. This encounter was a pivotal moment in my spiritual journey. It guided me towards a deeper understanding of Tawhid, the oneness of God, which resonated with my core beliefs.
In this new environment, I began to sift through the cultural interpretations and practices that had initially clouded my understanding of Islam. I learned to distinguish between what I perceived as cultural baggage and the fundamental teachings of the faith. This process was not just about acquiring knowledge; it was about aligning my beliefs with a sense of truth that felt right to me.
As I continued to study and reflect, my conviction in the path I was on grew stronger. I found myself increasingly aligning with the fundamental principles of Islam, particularly the concept of Tawhid. This alignment was not just intellectual; it was a profound emotional and spiritual connection that felt in harmony with my innate sense of right and wrong.
Navigating the diverse interpretations and practices within Islam was a challenging yet enlightening experience. It taught me the importance of personal conviction in faith and the value of seeking knowledge to form one's own understanding. This journey was a testament to the dynamic and personal nature of spiritual growth, and the continuous quest for truth that defines our relationship with the divine.
My initial steps into the world of Islam were not without their challenges. Among these was a period marked by spiritual turmoil, manifesting as intense nightmares over the course of three months. In an effort to find protection, I had been given an amulet to wear in bed, a practice suggested by a group of Muslims whose interpretation of Islam I later came to question and void at all costs.
Determined to break free from what I perceived as a cult-like distortion of Islamic teachings, I sought solace and guidance in the Qur'an. This search led me to the practice of Ruqyah, an Islamic ritual of spiritual healing and cleansing. I was intrigued by the concept of using the recitation of the Qur'an to heal and protect the soul.
I remember vividly the day of my Ruqyah session. I sat down to listen to the Qur'an for about 45 minutes, unsure of what to expect but open to the experience. As the recitation filled the room, I began to feel a noticeable heat on my face, an intense sensation that seemed to emanate from within.
Throughout the session, my body reacted in unexpected ways. Heavy yawning, a feeling of restlessness, and a sense of internal turmoil unfolded as the verses of the Qur'an resonated in the air around me. It was as if the recitation was stirring something deep within, bringing to the surface the unseen struggles of my spirit.
But then, as the recitation neared its end, a dramatic shift occurred. The unsettling sensations gave way to an overwhelming sense of peace and euphoria. It was an indescribable feeling, akin to a great weight being lifted from my soul. In that moment, I felt as if something that had been residing within me, something that was not a part of my true self, had left.
This experience with Ruqyah was a turning point in my spiritual journey. It demonstrated the profound power of the Qur'an not just as a guide for life, but as a source of healing and purification for the soul. The relief and tranquility I felt after the session were clear indicators that I had moved away from misguided practices and closer to the true essence of my faith.
The liberation I experienced through the Ruqyah session was a testament to the power of returning to the basics of Islam, to the pure and unadulterated message of the Qur'an. It reaffirmed my belief in the healing and transformative power of the divine word, and it marked the beginning of a deeper, more authentic relationship with my faith.
As I settled into my new spiritual home at the Vienna Islamic Centre, my journey through Islam brought me to my first Ramadan. This holy month of fasting and prayer was both a challenge and an opportunity for deep spiritual growth. The discipline of fasting from dawn till dusk, coupled with the nightly Tarawih prayers, where we would stand in devotion for 20 rakats, tested my physical and spiritual endurance.
Despite the challenges, with the help of Almighty God, I found the strength to persevere. The experience of fasting and praying in unison with fellow believers brought a new level of understanding and connection to my faith. Each day of Ramadan was a step further into the depths of spiritual awareness and self-reflection.
The culmination of this holy month was the celebration of Eid al-Fitr, a day that brought an unexpected and overwhelming emotional experience. After performing the Eid prayer, a feeling of accomplishment and joy washed over me. However, as I exited the mosque, a sight that I was not prepared for greeted me. A sea of people, fellow Muslims, was streaming from the Ubahn (metro) station towards me.
In that moment, I was struck by a profound realization. Throughout my journey as a new Muslim in Vienna, especially after my initial unsettling experiences with Sufism, I had often felt alone in my faith. But now, witnessing the multitude of Muslims coming together for Eid prayer, I was reminded that I was part of a larger, vibrant community.
The sight of so many Muslims, who seemed to emerge all at once as if "coming out of the closet" to pray, overwhelmed me with emotion. Tears flowed freely, not from sadness, but from a sense of relief and belonging. The realization that I was not alone in this city, that there were many others who shared my faith and were celebrating this joyous day, was deeply comforting.
This experience on Eid al-Fitr was a turning point. It shifted my perspective from feeling isolated to being part of a diverse and thriving Muslim community in Vienna. The joy of completing my first Ramadan and celebrating Eid amidst a crowd of fellow believers was a moment of connection that I would cherish forever.
This Eid, more than just a religious celebration, symbolized a coming together of souls, a shared experience of devotion and joy. It was a powerful reminder of the strength and beauty of the Muslim Ummah, and it played a crucial role in solidifying my sense of identity and belonging in my new spiritual journey.
In my zeal to embrace Islam fully, I initially found myself rushing to absorb all its teachings and practices. However, I soon realized the importance of pacing myself in this spiritual journey. It was essential to give myself the time and space to gradually take in and internalize the vast expanse of Islamic knowledge and wisdom.
This realization led me to adopt a more measured approach. I began with the fundamental task of learning to read the Qur'an in Arabic. The Arabic script, with its elegant calligraphy, was both a challenge and a joy to learn. To aid in this endeavor, I joined an online Quran tutoring program, which also included lessons on Arabic grammar. This structured learning environment provided me with the guidance and support I needed to progress steadily.
An integral part of my learning was the memorization of small Surahs (chapters) from the Qur'an. These Surahs were essential for performing Salah (prayer), a central aspect of Islamic practice. I found myself repeating these verses over and over, determined to commit them to memory for my prayers. This repetition was not just a mental exercise; it became a meditative practice, embedding the words of the Qur'an deep within my heart and soul.
As I continued to learn and grow in my understanding of Islam, I noticed a significant improvement in my overall well-being. The confusion and turmoil of my initial experiences with the faith began to give way to a sense of clarity and peace. The discipline of daily prayers, the recitation of the Qur'an, and the steady accumulation of knowledge anchored me in my new faith.
With this newfound stability and deeper understanding, my thoughts turned towards performing Hajj, the Islamic pilgrimage to Mecca. Hajj, one of the five pillars of Islam, was a dream and a spiritual goal I yearned to achieve. The prospect of standing in the holy city of Mecca, alongside millions of other Muslims, participating in rituals that have been performed for centuries, was both exhilarating and humbling.
The journey from my initial conversion to the point of contemplating Hajj was a testament to the transformative power of taking things step by step. It underscored the value of patience and perseverance in spiritual pursuits. Each small step I took in learning and practicing Islam was a building block in constructing a strong foundation for my faith. This gradual but steady approach not only deepened my understanding of Islam but also solidified my commitment and connection to it.